Neil Gaiman Supports The Onion

OK guys, be gentle with me. I’m doing this for the first time. It’s called ‘imbedding’ (I think). Sadly not ‘imbedding a large everlasting gobstopper into the mouth of acclaimed and award-winning author Neil Gaiman’, but it’ll do. It’ll do because, at the very least, the item that I am imbedding INVOLVES acclaimed and award-winning author Nail Gaiman, and that’s enough for a lowly not-even-a-FAILED-author human like myself. OK, here goes:

DID IT WORK?! GOOD! Now we can all mock Neil ‘I’m really good’ Gaiman like this: “he thinks he’s so FUNNY! He even does a SWEAR in this video just to show us all how fucking COOL he is, and how badass. NER!”

Oh Neil. Neil, Neil, Neil. I appreciate what you were trying to do there, but let’s face it: you failed. Not a person (i.e. me) laughed at your little video. Not a person (i.e. me) even cracked a smile. Even you (i.e. you) lost faith there, didn’t you? Towards the middle? When you started trying to ‘act’? Never mind. At least you’ve got the tenth anniversary edition of American Gods to fall back on – it’s hardback, you know – and your beard.

Now I may not have won any awards for my writing, Neil Gaiman, but that’s because I haven’t written any novels or short stories yet, let alone written ones of publishable quality and widespread appeal, let ALONE having actually done anything of meaning whatsoever with my life, BUT, by gum, when I do…*

*At this point I’ve tapered off into a mumbling sort of growl, shaking my fist in the air in a meaningful and vaguely threatening gesture. Neil will realise that I’ve not specified what it is I’ll actually do once I’ve written a novel or short story of publishable quality and widespread appeal, but he’ll understand that because I’ve tapered off and shaken my fist in the air in a meaningful way (he’ll just know, ok?) it will probably be something bad; something DREADFUL; something too awful to put into words or song or even IMAGINE… and he’ll be both afraid of, and awed by, my majesty**.

Either that or he’ll completely ignore me, a lot like he does now: ignores me so much that it seems as if he isn’t actually ignoring me, just failing to be aware that I exist at all. YEAH WHATEVER, NEIL! As if that’s true.

** Shameful confession: I had to look up how to spell the word ‘majesty’ – I thought it had a ‘g’ in it somewhere. Oh c’mon, when do you ever have to write the word ‘majesty’ in real life?


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