The love affair is over

I still haven’t read any of Dr. Lucy Christopher’s books. I’ve read her Twitter updates, though. They’re all about HORSES. I like horses as much as the next human, but jeez, Dr. Lucy Christopher REALLY BLOODY loves horses. I think she actually OWNS horses. Hopefully she lives in her homeland of Australia where owning two horses is probably mandatory; if she owns two horses and lives in the UK then it’s just troubling.

And speaking of troubling, I checked the Chicken House website today and they’re still not featuring that book I’ve not written and they’ve not published yet, I don’t understand why. Somebody really ought to do something about that.

BREAKING NEWS: YA fiction author Lucy Christopher is living my dream

What do you mean you don’t know who YA fiction author Lucy Christopher is? She was shortlisted for the Costa Children’s Book Award! She won the Southern Schools Book Award! SHE WON A GOLDEN INKY!

For bookssake, what does a girl have to do to get noticed around here?

Yeah, I’m kidding obvs. I didn’t know who she was either until I decided that I wanted to branch out in my author stalking, clearly only because I dislike that the words ‘NEIL’ and ‘GAIMAN’ are so huge in my fancy tag cloud over on the right there. ————————->

So anyway I’ve started author stalking YA fiction author Lucy Christopher – in a FRIENDLY way, jeez! – of whose two published novels (Stolen and Freedom) I’ve read nil, nada, none und nichts. Yet. There is still time. So meanwhile, before I’ve perused her disgustingly well-received novels, I have found something else to entertain myself with. It turns out, quite coincidently, that YA fiction author Lucy Christopher is LIVING MY IMAGINARY LIFE!

Yes, that’s right folks: YA fiction author Lucy Christopher has somehow managed to break into my imagination, has STOLEN all my ideas for things I have imagined for my own life, and has made them a reality in her actual life! In other words, SHE HAS PRE-EMPTIVELY PLAGIARISED MY LIFE! I’m suing. I confess to not being particularly familiar with the fine print of copyright law but I have absolutely no doubt that this is covered somewhere in there. You remember the adverts: “Life plagiarism is a CRIME. DO NOT accept it. Demand an ORIGINAL life from your video store.” Or something.

YA fiction author Lucy Christopher’s List of Things She Has Stolen From My Imaginary Life

1. She has published THE DREAM plural well-received YA novels
2. She took THE DREAM Masters degree in Creative Writing at Bath Spa** (AND got a Distinction for it)
3. She is doing THE DREAM creative PhD
4. She is doing THE DREAM lecturing-at-a-university-whilst-simultaneously-fitting-in-writing-more-novels.
5. She reckons she’s always wanted to go in a hot air balloon but, excuse me, that is my ACTUAL DREAM!
6. Finally, and to top it all off, she is represented by CHICKEN HOUSE. This of all things makes me fuge (pronounced ‘huge’). Chicken House is MY preferred publisher and has been for years, ever since that time I picked up a Chicken House book and saw that the editor had written a little note about the book in the front. I thought to myself “Oh, how lovely. What a wonderful personal touch – this editor must really care about this book, and this publishing house must really care about their authors and editors to let them do this. I can’t wait until I write my imaginary future award-winning YA novels because I’m going to send them to Chicken House and refuse to have them published by anyone else in the whole world EVER”. Why, YA fiction author Lucy Christopher? WHY? COULDN’T YOU LEAVE ME JUST THAT ONE SCRAP OF THE DREAM LIFE?

(** Actually, this isn’t a valid point: the ACTUAL dream MA is the Bath Spa MA in Writing for Young People, but it’s close enough.)

You know the worst thing? She sounds like she’s so damn NICE. Ugh. She says “Hi Guys” when she writes a blog entry. She takes her mum to book awards. She volunteers in South Africa.

Yeah, WHATEVER YA fiction author Lucy Christopher. I shake my fist at you. You may be a successful, prizewinning YA novelist who gets to travel all over the world living all the best elements of my dream life, but I’m in ADMIN.

*sigh*

She’s my hero.

Neil Gaiman Supports The Onion

OK guys, be gentle with me. I’m doing this for the first time. It’s called ‘imbedding’ (I think). Sadly not ‘imbedding a large everlasting gobstopper into the mouth of acclaimed and award-winning author Neil Gaiman’, but it’ll do. It’ll do because, at the very least, the item that I am imbedding INVOLVES acclaimed and award-winning author Nail Gaiman, and that’s enough for a lowly not-even-a-FAILED-author human like myself. OK, here goes:

DID IT WORK?! GOOD! Now we can all mock Neil ‘I’m really good’ Gaiman like this: “he thinks he’s so FUNNY! He even does a SWEAR in this video just to show us all how fucking COOL he is, and how badass. NER!”

Oh Neil. Neil, Neil, Neil. I appreciate what you were trying to do there, but let’s face it: you failed. Not a person (i.e. me) laughed at your little video. Not a person (i.e. me) even cracked a smile. Even you (i.e. you) lost faith there, didn’t you? Towards the middle? When you started trying to ‘act’? Never mind. At least you’ve got the tenth anniversary edition of American Gods to fall back on – it’s hardback, you know – and your beard.

Now I may not have won any awards for my writing, Neil Gaiman, but that’s because I haven’t written any novels or short stories yet, let alone written ones of publishable quality and widespread appeal, let ALONE having actually done anything of meaning whatsoever with my life, BUT, by gum, when I do…*

*At this point I’ve tapered off into a mumbling sort of growl, shaking my fist in the air in a meaningful and vaguely threatening gesture. Neil will realise that I’ve not specified what it is I’ll actually do once I’ve written a novel or short story of publishable quality and widespread appeal, but he’ll understand that because I’ve tapered off and shaken my fist in the air in a meaningful way (he’ll just know, ok?) it will probably be something bad; something DREADFUL; something too awful to put into words or song or even IMAGINE… and he’ll be both afraid of, and awed by, my majesty**.

Either that or he’ll completely ignore me, a lot like he does now: ignores me so much that it seems as if he isn’t actually ignoring me, just failing to be aware that I exist at all. YEAH WHATEVER, NEIL! As if that’s true.


** Shameful confession: I had to look up how to spell the word ‘majesty’ – I thought it had a ‘g’ in it somewhere. Oh c’mon, when do you ever have to write the word ‘majesty’ in real life?