Go fuck yourself, Juxtaposition (also featuring bananas)

I haven’t shared my hilarious and insightful wisdom or sarcastic bile in a while. I presume that THE ENTIRE INTERNET has been tearing out its virtual hair wondering where I’ve been and what I think about Jonathan Stroud’s latest blog entry about caravaning in Norwich and about the progress of my non-existent NaNoWriMo project. Not to mention the roller derby: am I still a roller derby superstar? Actually, if anything, I’m even more famous in that respect than I was a month ago. I now feature on a certain Nottingham team’s recruitment poster. Surprisingly, this is not because I exemplify the lithe and powerful athletic form of those involved in the sport of roller derby, nor the image of a strong and independent roller girl, tattooed and unusual – an alternative to the mainstream, that roller derby teams often prefer. Alas not. They have used this image of me because I look like an overstuffed human sausage in a sports dress, and am conveniently located next to one of their particularly lithe and  particularly powerful-looking athletes.

Go fuck yourself, juxtaposition.

Anyway, enough. I’ll start back again with all the usual shit soon enough but for now all I want to say is that Neil Gaiman (smugly) eating a banana is nowhere near as good as Amanda Palmer eating a banana. Discuss.

Neil Gaiman ruins my life. Again.

I watched the movie ‘Stardust’.

It was dreadful and I absolutely LOVED (parts of) it. The female characters were all hideously offensive setreotypes, but Robert De Niro played a cross-dressing sky pirate and there was magic and adventure and an excellent cast. It didn’t so much make up for the stereotypes as distract from them, but that was sort-of-ok even though it was wrong.

I watched the whole thing, enjoyed great swathes of it (often despite myself) and then – as the credits rolled – realised the obscene truth: the nice little movie I’d been watching HAD BEEN ADAPTED FROM A NEIL GAIMAN NOVEL. That’s not even the worst of it. If only. The worst part was that the first thing that popped into my head when I realised it was a Neil Gaiman creation was “oh ace, can’t wait to buy the book and see how he imagined it”.

WHAT? EXCUSE ME? Did I just think, “I can’t wait to buy the book”? Did I accidentally express EAGERNESS to read something written by my nemesis? Since when am I a contributor to Gaiman’s Empire of Smug? Since when do I use my hard-earned farthings to support his smug lifestyle? NEVER! Imagine my horror. Imagine the cold prickle of disbelief, the overwhelming sense of self-loathing and betrayal. How could I possibly be thinking such things?

I’m even now inclined to get the book to read for myself.

UGH. This is SERIOUS.

American Gods? Neverwhere? Now this STARDUST? Where will it end? When will he stop torturing me with all his talent and his imagination on the one hand, and all his smug and his shameless self-promotion and his‘cool’ and his ‘nice’ on the other. ARGH. It kills me. At least I hated Coraline. At least I’ve got that to cling on to…

Neil Gaiman Supports The Onion

OK guys, be gentle with me. I’m doing this for the first time. It’s called ‘imbedding’ (I think). Sadly not ‘imbedding a large everlasting gobstopper into the mouth of acclaimed and award-winning author Neil Gaiman’, but it’ll do. It’ll do because, at the very least, the item that I am imbedding INVOLVES acclaimed and award-winning author Nail Gaiman, and that’s enough for a lowly not-even-a-FAILED-author human like myself. OK, here goes:

DID IT WORK?! GOOD! Now we can all mock Neil ‘I’m really good’ Gaiman like this: “he thinks he’s so FUNNY! He even does a SWEAR in this video just to show us all how fucking COOL he is, and how badass. NER!”

Oh Neil. Neil, Neil, Neil. I appreciate what you were trying to do there, but let’s face it: you failed. Not a person (i.e. me) laughed at your little video. Not a person (i.e. me) even cracked a smile. Even you (i.e. you) lost faith there, didn’t you? Towards the middle? When you started trying to ‘act’? Never mind. At least you’ve got the tenth anniversary edition of American Gods to fall back on – it’s hardback, you know – and your beard.

Now I may not have won any awards for my writing, Neil Gaiman, but that’s because I haven’t written any novels or short stories yet, let alone written ones of publishable quality and widespread appeal, let ALONE having actually done anything of meaning whatsoever with my life, BUT, by gum, when I do…*

*At this point I’ve tapered off into a mumbling sort of growl, shaking my fist in the air in a meaningful and vaguely threatening gesture. Neil will realise that I’ve not specified what it is I’ll actually do once I’ve written a novel or short story of publishable quality and widespread appeal, but he’ll understand that because I’ve tapered off and shaken my fist in the air in a meaningful way (he’ll just know, ok?) it will probably be something bad; something DREADFUL; something too awful to put into words or song or even IMAGINE… and he’ll be both afraid of, and awed by, my majesty**.

Either that or he’ll completely ignore me, a lot like he does now: ignores me so much that it seems as if he isn’t actually ignoring me, just failing to be aware that I exist at all. YEAH WHATEVER, NEIL! As if that’s true.


** Shameful confession: I had to look up how to spell the word ‘majesty’ – I thought it had a ‘g’ in it somewhere. Oh c’mon, when do you ever have to write the word ‘majesty’ in real life?

World Book Day 2011

SOMETHING MILDLY FANTASTIC IS HAPPENING!

Derek Landy (of Skullduggery Pleasant fame, obvs) is writing a book for World Book Day. Y’know who else wrote a book for World Book Day this one time in the past? That’s right, NEIL ‘I’m-excessively-smug-and-look-how-kooky-I-am-with-my-messy-hair-jeez-don’t-you-just-WISH-you-were-a-cool-and-successful-author-like-me’ GAIMAN. Brilliant. I can’t wait. I get to judge these two writery froods on a level playing field. A COMPLETELY level playing field that will be in no way hampered by the excessive, pointless and groundless prejudices I have against Neil ‘Hey-everyone-come-and-see-how-smug-I-am’ Gaiman. Nope. No way.

Currently reading: ‘Sunnyside’ by Glen David Gold. (This is just something I’m going to put in from now on. For interest. But also just to prove that I do read things that AREN’T books-meant-for-kids-but-wot-I-read-anyway. So ner.)

TWO VITALLY IMPORTANT THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW!

First, I discovered THIS HILARIOUS GENERATOR. Read some internet fiction and want to leave a gloriously crappy comment, but prevented from doing so by your natural good grammar and spelling? Well worry no more, this generator is for you! It makes me want to spam the shit out of my childhood internet haunt, Elfwood. YEAHWOT? I WAS A FF GEEK! SO WHAT? WE CAN’T ALL LIKE THE CURE Y’KNOW!

Second, I re-wrote my NaNoWriMo magna carta and turned it into a WORDLE! Yeah, that’s right: I’M SERIOUS THIS TIME AROUND! (For those of you who aren’t familiar with this particular usage of the words ‘magna carta’, get obsessed with NaNoWriMo for crumbs sake!). Anyway, here it is:
Wordle: Magna Carta 2

Third – yep, a freebie for you here – I have now decided to be obsessed with the children’s author DEREK LANDY, creator of the Skulduggery Pleasant series. He can’t write girl-on-girl friendships to save his life, bless him, but he sure packs a mean magic adventure. I have decided to do this because he has a BLOG in which he posted a nudity warning on a photograph of a skeleton. Win. Landy wins because he’s sarcastic rather than smug which makes him the ANTI-GAIMAN! Sarcasm would KICK THE PISS out of smug in a fight (or it’d at least say loads of mean things until smug was left crying in a corner – either’s fine).